MASTERING YOUR EMOTIONS

copyright Pamela Chilton, C.Ht.

ONE SUMMER our home was broken into and valuables stolen.  Several people commented on how calmly I was handling this.  I, too, was pleased by my spiritual serenity, until I realized I was going to bed at 7 without supper.  Obviously, some part of me was upset.  Clearly I was suppressing this part and at night, when ‘it’ might have a chance to break through to my awareness, I was sending ‘it’ off to bed without its supper.  Not paying attention to (suppressing) my body’s emotions has been a life long habit of mine – you might say it is the very reason I was guided into hypnotherapy.

 Emotions “talk” through the body.  Small children are very good at noticing their “body talk”, but they are not very good at deciphering what the body is saying to them so they try to get help with this from their parents and other caretakers by telling them:  “My stomach aches”, “My head hurts”, “I don’t feel good”.  Unfortunately many, maybe even most, adults look for physical causes only and ignore or deny the possibility of emotional distress.  Even when the cause is physical - germs, bacteria or a virus - one must question what lowered the immune system’s ability to safeguard the body and far more often than not the answer is emotional distress.

Stressful emotions tax the immune system and create imbalances in the mind/brain/body system.  These imbalances are the leading cause of disease, illness, allergies, rashes, headaches, aches, pain, addictions, compulsive urges, anxieties, phobias, poor concentration, poor memory, restlessness, irritability, bi-polar disorders, depression, and more.  So…………let’s talk about emotions:  

Clearly, learning to Master The Emotions is of vital importance and just as clearly denying, ignoring and suppressing emotions is not mastering them.  Some ask why it is necessary to feel distressful emotions, especially when such emotions are connected with past relationships or past events that since been ‘safely locked away’ or unconsciously ‘buried’.  

Dr. Harmon demonstrates ‘why’ by placing an object, such as a pen, within such a person’s reach while asking that person to “let go of that pen”.  As the person reaches out to pick up the pen he says, “There, to let go of the pen you must possess it first.  How can you let go of emotions if you don’t posses them first?  To possess them you must know about them and to know about them you must feel them.  It simply isn’t possible to move beyond emotions you can’t feel any more than it is possible to move beyond lessons when you don’t know what they are.”    

The role of a therapist is to help people discover their emotions so they can discover, with the therapist’s help, what those emotions are telling them about their life.  Hypnosis (a state of inwardly focused concentration) combined with regression therapy is used to bring buried (unconscious) and unprocessed emotions, thoughts, beliefs and memories to conscious awareness.  EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a technique that is also used for processing emotions and memories.  Hypnotherapy is not covered by most insurance plans except when a) recommended by a medical physician for the treatment of obesity and obesity related diseases or b) the practitioner is a licensed psychologist or psychotherapist.  When using a psychologist or psychotherapist be certain that person is trained in EMDR AND hypnosis AND regression therapy.  When using a hypnotherapist be certain that one is trained in hypnosis AND hypnotherapy AND regression therapy. 

 To master your emotions, you have to know what your emotions mean.

Pain is your body saying:  “Ouch! I hurt!”  The cause of the hurt can be physical and/or emotional; emotions DO cause physical sensate.

Fear is your body saying:  “Danger! Beware!”  Something or someone feels threatening to your body.  It needs YOU to determine what the threat it so you can either reassure your body there is no danger or if there is danger tell your body whether it is to run, hide or attack to defend itself (and thus you). 

Anger is your body saying:  “Attack!”  Your body is programmed by Nature to defend itself AND YOU and attacking what threatens it and you is how your body does this.  Most children are taught fear and anger are ‘bad’.  This is very confusing to children and very confusing to their bodies.  The subconscious mind (the bridge that connects you and your body) is very literal and it uses deductive logic to reason.  The subconscious is taught in childhood ‘bad’ people must be punished so when children and adults feel emotions the subconscious has been programmed to believe are ‘bad’ the subconscious punishes them.  THIS IS A VERY POWERFUL PROGRAM.  The subconscious controls the body, the brain, the behavior AND the mental, emotional, mental, physical energies; this means the subconscious has MANY ways of meting out punishment, including self-sabotaging behavior.  If you have a pattern of sabotaging yourself and blocking yourself from attaining the reasonable goals you set, you can bet you have a subconscious program that is driving you to do this.  

FEAR AND ANGER ARE POWERFUL WEAPONS THE BODY USES FOR PROTECTION.   Children should be taught how to use fear and anger wisely, not taught to believe they are bad.

Anger ALWAYS comes from fear and all other emotions are variations of anger and/or fear.  Guilt and shame, for example, are fear of being ‘bad’ and anger at self for being ‘bad’. 

Children and adults who have been taught to deny or ignore their emotions are depressed people.  Why?  Because when the body thinks no one cares about it enough to listen to its feelings and help it know what to do about them the body becomes depressed which alters the brain chemistry, which causes the body to feel even more depressed.   Giving the body chemicals in an attempt to restore normal brain chemistry without addressing what is making the body feel depressed makes the body even more depressed. 

What your body needs is for YOU to talk to it – or to yourself – about the emotions that are bothering it.  After all, when you talk to yourself  - whether you do it out loud or mentally - your body thinks you are talking to it too.  It is important to remember that your emotions are FOR YOU TO PROCESS.  No one else can do this for you.  Therapists help you with this but even then it is your job to help your body understand and process its emotions.     

For example, if you become angry with someone who is not physically attacking you, say as calmly as possible, “Give me a minute to think.”  Look thoughtful as you silently breathe slowly in for the count of 4 and slowly out for the count of 4.  (As you breathe in, your abdomen should expand outwards, as you breathe in your abdomen sinks inward.)  Think of this as the 4 X 4 you are using to gain control.  Focus only on your breathing and counting to four.  Thoughtful silence impresses people and empowers you.  When your body calms down, you will be able to think and speak calmly.   No matter what the situation is - if after the 4 X 4 breathing you do not feel calm, say as calmly as possible (deepening your voice will help you sound calm) something like:  “Hmmmm, this calls for deeper thinking, I’ll get back to you.”  OR “That is a good point, let me think about that.”  OR  “This is not the time to discuss this.  I’ll get back to you.”  “I need more time to gather my thoughts.”  “I’m not ready to talk about this yet.  I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”  

Anger is like a ferocious animal that is cornered.  Anger powers the body to yell, scream, shout, bite, kick, pinch, punch, and do everything it can to save itself and you.  THAT’S GOOD!  If someone attacks you with the intent to harm you physically YOU WANT your body’s anger coming to your rescue. 

However, the body does make mistakes. You can’t blame it because the body can’t always tell what is happening outside of itself.  You hear a loud noise, for example and your body jumps and tells the brain to start pumping out adrenaline for running or fighting as tries intently to figure out what the possible threat is.  When you think to yourself or say, “Oh, that was a car backfiring’ or ‘Someone dropped a book on the floor” your body relaxes and tells the brain to stop the adrenaline rush.  If your body can’t identify a threat or isn’t told there is no threat or the threat is over, it keeps the brain pumping adrenaline – which stresses the brain and the body.   Long-term stress (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) results when long term emotions are held in and not addressed. 

Your body wants to attack whatever or whoever hurts it or you.  But you don’t want your body to attack the door that slammed on its hand or foot.  You also don’t want your body to attack people who hurt you with words.  Attacking people who aren’t harming you physically can harm them and you.  You also don’t want to ignore your body’s anger.  Suppressed anger fuels illness and injury.  Suppressed anger underlies many cancers. 

When something or someone upsets you, acknowledge that to yourself and promise yourself you’ll deal with your feelings the moment you can be alone with your body.   THEN DO IT!    ü

As soon as you are alone, sit down and anchor yourself in your chair by breathing in deeply.  Think to yourself that you will remain in the chair until you have resolved the situation in your mind.  Then think about what upset you.  If thinking about it still upsets you, go to your safe place.  This is a mental place in your mind where it is safe and permissible to express your emotions.  You hurt no one in your mental place.  Even when you give your anger permission to attack persons who have angered you, you are not hurting them.  It is energy your anger is attacking, not the persons themselves.  If you are angry, give your anger permission to show you or tell you what it thought, felt and wanted to do.  Don’t censor this.  You are giving your anger a mental release.  Imagine the scene again. Only imagine it from anger’s viewpoint.  Let anger vent itself in your mind.  If you want to have a pillow on your lap to smack, that’s permissible.  If you want to smack the arms of the chair or kick your legs while seated in the chair, that’s permissible.* 

*It is not permissible to get out of the chair.  Make this clear to your body.  If you find yourself too agitated to stay in the chair, stop the process immediately by saying to yourself:  “I’m too upset by this to deal with this by myself.  I am putting this away to deal with in therapy.”  Mentally imagine yourself shutting the door on the scene, locking the door and putting the key in a box to take to therapy with you.  Then call a therapist and make an appointment or if it is too late in the day, write down that you will be calling the therapist first thing in the morning.  Then say to yourself, “This will soon be taken care of; right now, I’ll take care of myself.”  Then go for a walk or exercise or watch, read, listen to or talk about something funny or light hearted. 

If you do/can remain in the chair, after your emotion has expressed itself by venting or crying, review again what happened.  You can do this mentally or write it.  Then ask yourself what it was about this situation that frightened you.  Anger is ALWAYS fear based, as are all other emotions.  Fear is ALWAYS based on a real or perceived loss of power.  If someone angered you or hurt you, ask yourself why?  Were you afraid something was being taken from you or could be taken from you?  If so, what?  Talk to yourself about that threat.  Or write it out.  Do whichever you prefer, but do it.  Your body needs to hear you thinking or talking about the threat and making a decision of what to do about it.  If someone hurt you with derogatory remarks about your appearance or your mental or emotional competence or your behavior, review what was said.  Decide what had merit and what didn’t.   If that person or persons were lashing out from their own fears and insecurities tell yourself that.  Let your body know what YOU think is and isn’t true.  If their complaints, insults, or accusations had merit, face that.  Tell your body what you are going to do to change what – in YOUR PERCEPTION – needs changing.  Be positive about it.  Don’t beat yourself up.  When you beat yourself up you are beating up your body – which will cower, cringe, and punish itself or – rebel against you.   Tell yourself,  “Humans make mistakes.  That’s how humans learn.  I’m human.  I made a mistake.  I’ll learn from this mistake and be better and more powerful than ever before.”

If you cannot find a threat or a loss of power in the situation that upset you ask yourself, “What did this situation remind me of?”  Or “When did something like this or similar to this happen to me in the past?”  Or:  “What part of me was upset by this?”   If you are writing, you may find yourself – or the part of you that is upset – writing out the answer.  Or you might close your eyes and the answer will come to you or you will find yourself remembering.  Go with what comes to you.  Imagine yourself listening to that person – the age you were before – and how that age you felt about what happened before; then imagine yourself talking to that person, telling that age you what you wish someone wise had told you then.  Things like, “You are human.  Humans make mistakes and learn from their mistakes, now you know better.”  “You are a good person.  You care about people and that’s good.  You did the best you could do and now you and I can figure out a better way together.”  “That person was mean to you because he/she was hurting inside and trying to get the hurt away from himself/herself and put it on you.”  “Your mommy (daddy) yelled at you because she was hurting inside herself.”  “Daddy (Mommy) wanted to be with you all the time but he went to work to get food for you and buy you the bed you sleep in and the clothes you wear.”   “There are hundreds and thousands of parents who would have wanted you to be their child, but your spirit choose to be with your parents.  They must have something to show you that’s important to your spirit. Let’s look together at what they showed you and see if we can find out what your spirit wants you to know.”  ‘Your mother (father) had problems you couldn’t fix.  No one can fix another person’s problems.  People have to look inside themselves and see where they are hurting so they can figure out what to do about it.  Tell me your problems and together we’ll figure out what you can do about them.”  “I know you think no one cares about you, but I care about you.  I care very much.  Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I want to help you help yourself.  I want to help you feel loved.  Tell me how I can help you do this.”

There are many things from the past that, if unresolved, you can help yourself deal with and resolve now.  But it will not be effective unless you help the age you were then resolve it.  Let yourself think/feel/ and be that age or let that age you express herself/himself as you were then.  Talk to that part of you in the language that age would relate to, use and understand.  Help that age you find the positive resolution to the real or perceived threat.*

Now review again the situation in the present that upset you and ask yourself how you could have or now can or can in the future handle it in a way that takes power away from no-one, most particularly you.  Write down or mentally imprint the thoughts that come to you.  Find the positive/powerful scenario that suits you and mentally REHEARSE THIS.  Every performer will tell you the power of rehearsal.  When you decide what you will say, do and think in a given situation and rehearse this over and over you will find yourself automatically doing, saying, and thinking what you rehearsed in the actual situation, no matter how nervous or distressed you are.  As the familiar responses ‘kick in’, the body begins to relax and truly experience the feeling of empowerment.  That’s when performers shine.  That’s when YOU will shine.       

*If you suffered betrayal in your childhood you will need to do a great deal of inner work.  Adoption is betrayal to a child as are abandonment, divorce, abuse, neglect, and teasing.  ALL children and ALL teens take betrayal very personally.  They blame themselves for it.  Most need help with this.  If they do not get that help when they need it, they will need it when they can get it.  The fear, anger, and pain of betrayal do not fade away by themselves.  They become suppressed, which stresses the brain and body, leading to illness, disease, injuries and self-sabotage.   There is a great deal of inner work you can do with betrayal IF you have the back up of a therapist for the memories that won’t surface and the memories you can’t process yourself.  You will know this by your reactions to your inner self work.  When you feel good after working with yourself, you have been successful working with that memory.  When you do not feel good, when you feel miserable, upset, distressed, angry, frustrated, ill, or hurting you will need to check in with a therapist to help the part of you that you can’t help yourself. 

When working with yourself it sometimes helps to have on a background sound that helps you to focus.  Music and words with the music that diverts your focus is not helpful.  Repetitive sounds are.  Nature sounds are helpful too.  “White noise” can also be helpful. 

Certain eye movements as well as sounds that alternate from one ear to the other can be very helpful in speeding up the brain processes for reprocessing old information after new input has been added (which is what you are doing when you do inner work properly).  This is the basis of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Bi-Lateral Stimulation.   Playing Bi-Lateral Stimulation sounds in the background can be very helpful for some people, but irritating to others.  You will only know which one you are by trying it.  Note:  Even those that find it irritating can find this technique helpful:  When you are ‘fixated’ (temporarily or long term) on a particular thought or feeling – such as, “I just don’t matter”, “I’m such a dummy”,  “I’m so ugly”,  “No one listens to me”– it can be very helpful to keep focused on this thought while playing a Bi-Lateral Sound in the background.  Doing this can conjure up a memory of just where this thought began (usually in early childhood) which helps to know so you can process it. 

You can order a Bi-Laterial C.D. or Cassette of music pr nature soundss at www.biolateral.com (516)785-0460.   

You can read more about EMDR at www.emdrportal.com.  Psychotherapists claim EMDR (the eye movements) and Bi-Lateral Stimulation (alternating sounds or touch) have nothing to do with hypnosis.  This is either an attempt to by-pass the fear people have of hypnosis (which is greatly misunderstood) or those saying it do not themselves understand what hypnosis is – and is not.  Repetitive movements, repetitive sounds and repetitive touch DO lead to states of focused inner concentration and heightened awareness; i.e. hypnosis.   The level of hypnosis one enters and what one does with that level is what matters. 

Everyone has false beliefs one has imprinted in one’s childhood (and often prior lives as well).  Imprinted beliefs remain in the subconscious until it is directed to change them.  For whatever reason it seems one needs to be in a state of focused inner concentration to accomplish this. 

 Mastering Your Emotions will require searching out and changing the negative beliefs of your past and changing your subconscious ‘mind set’ (programming) about these.    

POSITIVE & NEGATIVE BELIEFS

How To Have The One Without The Drag of The Other

Pause a moment and consider the years since your conception.  Extraordinary!  Touch your body, with reverence please.  Your body is a miracle.  It began as a single cell no larger than the dot at the end of this sentence.  Now look at your body.  Each of its parts as well as the sum of its parts is nothing short of awe inspiring.  Even if you think your body is not perfect, even if your body is ‘falling apart’, no religion or science can explain or match the marvels of your body and its brain.  No matter who or what you think created your body, there is no denying that creator is a master without parallel

 Now think of all your body and you have gone through together.  From gestation through birth, through childhood into puberty and beyond – your body and you go through it all together.  No one has been or will ever be such a constant and loyal companion.  Even when it protests doing so, your body does what you command and demand of it.   READ THAT LAST PART AGAIN BECAUSE IT’S A KICKER!  Wait.  I’ll repeat it for you:  ‘Your body does what you command and demand of it’.  

What does that mean?  It means your body is your servant.  It serves your will.  You don’t think this is true because you’ve told your body to do things that it didn’t do or told it to not do things that it did do.  Maybe you told it to lose weight or gain weight and it didn’t, or worse did the exact opposite.  Maybe you told it to grow taller or shorter or change its look and it did it’s own thing anyway.  Maybe you have told it to heal and it has not.  Probably there is at least one time in your life when you have stated emphatically to yourself and/or others:  “No, I am NOT attracted to and do NOT want (insert here who or what you know I’m talking about).   Then have found yourself with a completely overwhelming attraction to that very thing or being.   Who doesn’t have a habit or an addiction or a physical compulsion he/she wishes would just go away?  Who hasn’t tried positive thinking, prayer, or just plain will power in some area of desired physical improvement only to give it up with exasperation when the desired outcome never comes in?   

 ‘Positive thinking, will power, and prayer alone,” Dr. Hugh is fond of saying, “are like riding half an ass.  They will not get you where you want to go.”   

 The problem is this:  Your subconscious.  This is the part of the mind that controls your body.  It controls your brain.  Part of it (the unconscious) controls your conditioned responses and your genes.  It controls your energies.  Not just your physical energies - your mental, emotional AND SPIRITUAL ENERGIES. 

 Isn’t that a mind blower!  Your subconscious transmits your prayers – or blocks them.  Your subconscious accepts your positive changes in thinking and action - or resists them.  Your subconscious is the part of you that stops – or drives – your addictions.  Your subconscious is your greatest ally or your worst enemy.  Here’s why:

!          Your subconscious records every experience you have ever had.  It records every belief you have ever created or ‘bought into’.   It holds onto every emotion you have not processed.

!          Your subconscious has PERFECT MEMORY.  

What you decided in your childhood was true about you, about females and males, about marriage and love, about money and sex, about GOD, about life – all of this is imprinted in your subconscious.  Even after you change your mind about some or all of these things later in your life, the subconscious holds onto your childhood beliefs as YOUR TRUTHS.  Yes, it accepts the ‘new’, too, which creates internal conflict and stress and things like this will happen:  Positive beliefs about money?  You might make good money or find yourself gifted with money or material goods or marry into money.  Negative beliefs about money?  You will find it (or the source of it) hard to hold onto or you will punish yourself in some way for having it, or him or her.

People like to think they change their minds simply by willing the change.  That is true about the conscious mind – if you really want to change it.  It is NOT true about the subconscious.  What is in the subconscious remains in the subconscious UNTIL:  One GOES INTO the subconscious level of the mind and gives it a good reason to change the belief one wants changed.    

 To go into the subconscious one must be in a state of focused concentration in which there is heightened awareness of the subconscious self.  This is an excellent definition of hypnosis.  People are confused about hypnosis.  They think it is a state in which they can be controlled.  Actually, it is a state in which they find greater self-control.  No hypnotist can change your mind if you are not willing to change your mind.  No hypnotist can change your subconscious beliefs if the subconscious is not willing to change.  The subconscious will not be willing to change until YOU give a good reason to change.  You must convince it. 

 NOTE:  Sometimes, even you can’t change your subconscious mind set in regards to a particular belief or set of beliefs.  This is usually because some part of you is holding onto emotions and thoughts locking that belief in place.  When this happens, it is necessary to search out a well trained hypnotherapist (so many are not well trained) to draw out that part of you and help it to process the emotions and thoughts that keep that part of you ‘stuck’.  A well-trained hypnotherapist should have a minimum of 350 hours of class training and should be trained in regression therapy:  REAL regression therapy, in which you are in hypnosis and this part of you TALKS TO the therapist.  (If your therapist says this is not necessary or that you don’t need to know what happened that is keeping this part of you stuck, look for another hypnotherapist or a psychotherapist who is trained in EMDR, Regression Therapy and Hypnotherapy.)   

 HOWEVER, there is a great deal you can do about changing your own subconscious mind set.  Outlined below are the steps for doing this.  Make a commitment to yourself to attend to this process on a regular basis – at least three times a week – and you will witness extraordinary changes in yourself and your life.  

·        Find a quiet place – no radio or T.V. or computer etc. - where you will not be interrupted.  If you want to play nature sounds or have an EMDR recording on, this is fine.  Soothing music that will not distract you is fine too.  But NO words to the music, that will be distracting to this processing.  Think of some area of your beliefs you want to work on in that session.   Self.  Parents.  Siblings.  Money.  Males.  Females.  Marriage.  Love.  Sex.  Friends.  God.  Success.  Sports.  Whatever area you feel gives you distress and any area where you feel you need self-improvement.

·        Let your mind drift back to your childhood, including your teens.  Think about the topic you’ve chosen and imagine the negative messages you got about that topic.  Write these down - by hand is best because there IS a closer link to the subconscious when you write by hand, especially when you are writing about childhood beliefs. 

·        Look at the first belief.  Think to yourself or say aloud, Yes, I probably believed this in the past because: _____________________________.  Think, speak or write the “because”.  Then cross out the ‘old’ negative belief and think, speak or write out:  “I don’t believe this anymore because ________________________.   

·        Now write what you DO believe (keep it positive and simple) then think, say, or write out why you believe it.  Circle it.

·        Close your eyes, focus your relaxed eyes on the backs of your eyelids or between your eyebrows or on the third eye (the point just above the point between the two eyebrows.)

·        Breathe in and out, slowly, three times.  Imagine you are talking to the ages of you that 'bought into' the old belief.  Mentally speak to these ages what you have written or thought about the 'old' and 'new' belief. 

·        Imagine you are looking at a screen in your mind.  This screen can be a blackboard or a computer screen or a movie or video screen.  Imagine written on it is the negative ‘old’ belief.   Note, if you are not visual you will not ‘see’ this, but you can imagine it is there.  This works just as well.

·        Imagine yourself deleting or erasing the old belief, either with an eraser, or a keyboard or mentally erasing it.  As you do this, the programmer of your subconscious beliefs is getting the message to remove this belief. 

·        Now imagine yourself writing in the new positive belief you circled.  Use a brand new piece of chalk in your imagination, or a computer keyboard, or mentally write it.  You are informing your programmer to ‘imprint’ this new belief.

·        Open your eyes and proceed to the next negative belief and repeat steps 3 – 9.

NOTE:  As you get ‘good’ at this, you may be able to process more than one belief at a time before you close your eyes and do the processing.  Maybe 5.  Maybe more.  You’ll get a feel for what works for you.

ALSO NOTE:  When you close your eyes – IF YOU ARE NOT DISTRACTED by busy thoughts, music and other sounds – you are in a light to medium state of hypnosis.  This is why this technique works.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You may sometimes notice during this process new or increased feelings of anxiety, anger, depression, sadness, distress, upset or generally ‘out of sorts’.  Note the beliefs you worked with in that session.  One or all of these triggered those feelings.  If they remain after the process or you find yourself ‘acting out’ with destructive actions, thoughts, or emotions – you have an inner level that is upset and is resisting the change.  This will require further inner work as outlined in Mastering Your Emotions.  If such feelings persist or increase, seek out a hypnotherapist trained in regression therapy or a licensed psychotherapist or psychologist that uses EMDR and/or Hypnosis for Regression Therapy.